beatz: DON'T WANNA - Reynard Silva

i think im freakin getting SiCK!. this shit is HELLA weak. ive been feelin like this since yesterday. i started to have HEADACHES and then i felt my nose getting STUFFED and now its my THROAT. i feel like im LOSiNG my v0ice. but im not all that sure yet. geeeeez! whatever other than that things have been pretty GOOD. i started my JOB at the LiQUiD LOUNGE JUiCE BAR. i like it. its pretty cool. not hard or anything. but it gets boring at times. im the ONLY one working. so i do everything .. MAKE SMOOTHiES.. wash the stuff .. CASHiER.. alll that. theres some niice people that go to the gym and some HOTT ones i mite add. hahaha yeah i like it. its not bad. hey its a JOB.. thats money for me. sweeeeeeeet!. but yeah.

EPiPHANY. we've started our sessions already. we're tryna to prepare ourselves for our SHOWCASE. im kinda excited.. but im hella scared at the same time. cuz we have like less than a MONTH so learn and perfect everything. its time to get serious and crunch time. cuz i dont want us to be in the situation where we WONT know what to do when our showcase comes around. man o man. hahaha but its cool. im sure our showcase will turn out GREAT!. i learned TOUCK iT last nite. thats anthony and chino's dance. its fun. its fast but fuun. hahaha i LOVE it. hahaha they're auditioning it. if i dont do the dance im cool. i still WANTED to learn it. you know? haha yeah. anyways we have SESSiON today actually. im not sure what time th0. but ill be there. i have NOTHiNG else planned. so0 hey hahahaha. plus im not gunna be able to session all that much during the week cuz i have WORK. i still have to request the 27th off for the show.

DONALiNE is back from cali. but shes LEAViNG to go HOME to SD so0n. =[ its just so depressing wen i think about it. hahahaha man. thats my girl. shes my BESTFRiEND , my SiSTER , my LOVE , my COUSiN iN LAW haha , my PARTNER , my AZTEC WORRiOR , my BEEEECH AHHSS NEEGAAH. hahaha im gunna miss her. i mean yeah im GUNNA see her.. but the fact that i WONT be able to come over wenever i want to. or go to get FOOD together wenever we want or anything like that. hahahahha man. but i know she LOVES it in SD. i mean its cali.. who wouldnt love it. i just want her to remember.. that i LOVE YOU SKANKY DOODLE!. hahaha.

My PHONE is once again retarded! i can only RECiEVE calls and text messages. i cant dial out or text anyone. pretty freakin WEAK if you ask me. hopefully it gets paid for and it goes back tomorrow. dammit. hahaha anyways. im excited for my ATE BELLE'S wedding in march. were all going back to the bay. yay!
Well thas it for now.. imma eat and get ready. until next time xanga headz!

JAN 27:

JUST BUST EPiPHANY SHOWCASE
DURANGO HiGH SCHOOL 6pm - 9pm
[get at me for more info]

beatz: be without you - Mary J. Blige

the bay so far has been good i guess. we arrived here at like 2pm. Took mama and the kids to Uncle Nemies house in HERCULES. then me and oche stayed in SAN BRUNO with my mom cuz she asked us to0. so0 why not i guess. Me mom and oche hit up the TANFORAN MALL. its pretty niice i guess. its hella small but it got some niice stores i guess. nothing i havent seen before. didnt really get anything. Oche got some new jeans and mom bought Kuyas CHRiSTMAS PRESENT. then we went and got some pizza. and then came back to the apartment. ate and watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas.i havent seen that movie in forever. then me and oche chilled the rest of the night. that was basically our first night. nothing exciting at all. hahaha then YESTERDAY .. me and oche got ready and went to meet mama . the kids . uncle nemie and melannie at DENNYS in San Pablo. we ate then went back to Uncle Nemie's place. chilled for a lil it then i drove us to the HiLLTOP mall. it was cool i guess. ran into JENNiFER. we havent seen that girl in FOREVER. it was niice seeing her. she hella recognized mama right away haha pretty cool. we walked around. and then i ran into RAY. haha he sed "finally niice to meet you" hahaha funny guy. then after the mall we went to Albertsons cuz LANCEY is sick so we had to get him medicine and stuff. went back to Uncle Nemies then me and oche left at like 8:30pm and headed back out to San Bruno.Tell me why i took a WRONG turn and i freakin ended up DOWNTOWN. hahahah i was hella freakin scared. i cant drive around downtown. haha shit. so we got on the phone with my mom and she got us out of there. hahahah me and oche got here and just chilled all night. i fell asleep hella early. hahaha man.

TODAY.. i woke up hella freakin early cuz my mom needed me to move the car. so0 i did. and ever since then ive been up cuz i couldnt freakin go back to sleep. weak. haha but yeah so i stayed up and watched tv. they got DiRECT TV so0 they got all these movie channels [HBO's - showtimes - encore's] all those good ass channels hahahaa. so0 far ive watched. Stepford Wives, Torque, Super Size Me & now im watching The Ladykillers. hahahaha but yeah i think imma leave soon as oche gets up so we can get some food. cuz they dont got anything to eat here. hahaha but yeah im not sure what were gunna do today. cuz im supposed to get my hair cut today so i dont wanna drive all the way to hercules or vallejo and then come back here later on tonight to get my hair done. so i think me and oche are just gunna kick it on this side of the bridge today and go over the bridge after my hair appt. but yeah so0 i guess me and oche are just gunna check out SERRAMONTE MALL today and maybe hang out with my dad. ive been wanting to kick it with my dad. but yeah. i dunno i guess we'll just see.

its not that cold here. in my opinion its freakin COLDER in Vegas!. haha but it is RAiNING. its weak. i dont really enjoy driving in the rain. hahaha but hey gotta do what i gotta do i guess, i just hope it doesnt rain hard tonight cuz i gotta drive all the way to kuya dj's and stuff. haha but yeah. i dunno.

well my fatty ass is hungry so0 imma go get FOOOOOD. until next time. byeeeeeeeee!!!

What is this feeling? i feel ... helpless , lost , confused i feel like things in my life are just going wrong. everything is just full of change.. its kinda scarey .. its real scarey.Theres so0 much going on right now i have no clue what to do. i feel like i have to make some BiG freakin decisions. im not ready for any of this. it all just came to me in a rush. Things are just rough right now and i dont know what to do. For one MAMA is so freakin stressed.. she is sick and tired of everyone and everything. She LECTURES me everyday.. and crys almost everynight! and im ALWAYS the one to hear her out .. she only lectures to me becuz she knows that the boys will just yell and cuss at her.. so0 i get it 3 times worst! and it SUCKS!. It tears my heart to hear her cry at night. im the only one that knows shes crys.. that hears her cry.. and it hurts me knowing that i cant readlly do anything.. cuz if i defend mama its just gunna come back to me. im gunna have to boys yell and cuss at me.. calling me names and im just NOT having that! Mama is worried about TOO MUCH. Shes stressing about not having money to give to oche for school [ his disrepectful ass just need not .. always yelling at mama and giving her attitude..NOT listening to her and she ALWAYS gives him money. ] or not having money to buy food .. not being able to control oche.. shes mad about my mom.. ate connie .. Leo.. kuya not having a job .. Shes just stressing out HARDCORE.. and im scared for her.. she is to0 old to be worrying and stressing this much. She wants to move back to cali but she doesnt want to leave me and oche here.. especially oche. And i just dont know what to do. Lately ive been thinking of giving in and just moving just to help mama out. i dunno. ::sigh:: things are just ... ROUGH. Mama doesnt even want me to work at NYNY anymore. Shes worried about me being on the strip at night .. and she doesnt want me traveling far ... she just doesnt want me to work there. She doesnt want me to go to school just yet either.. she wants me to work first so i have money to pay for my school. cuz my parents arent gunna help me.

i feel like im the only person here that cares about mama. cuz it seems like everyone else just doesnt care anymore. they all talk back and cuss at her like shes NOT their grandma..like shes NOT the mother figure in our lives. i mean yeah i admit mama can get outta control. she can get pretty irking.. repeating the same shit over and over again.. but thats mama.. shes just worried about everyone.. all you have to do is NOT SAY ANYTHiNG. there is NO NEED to cuss and yell.. it just makes everything WORST. and im just tired of hearing her cry. i wanna leave for california already.. but i have so much to do this week. with Nyny and everything.. i serioulsy feel like telling wendy [ the manager ] that i cant take the job rite now.. i wanna bring mama to cali rite now. i wanna leave tomorrow morning already.. i cant stand seeing mama cry anymore.. it just kills me. it really KiLLS me.

Should i just NOT take the job right now and leave tomorrow?... should i just move?... Should i stay and do school here for a lil bit? HELP ME OUT! ::sigh:: im done.